Waiting For Nothing
by donthugmeimscared
Summary: Clay goes back to the old playground where Hannah's life first began to fall apart. Now, after hearing the tapes, he thinks back to when Hannah was still alive. Story  c  me, book  c  Jay Asher. Enjoy! R&R appreciated :  Oneshot


Hannah Baker?

Yeah, I knew her.

I wandered back to the old playground, where Hannah had said she had slid into her first kiss. I gazed at the rusty bars and chipping paint, thinking. She had been here once. This was where her entire life started going downhill. The snowball effect, she had called it.

I half-heartedly reached up to touch the hanging monkey bars over my head, staring up at the sky through them. I wondered if she had known that this place, that her first kiss, would be what ruined the rest of her life.

Thanks, Justin.

The wood chips made crunching noises as I walked over them. I shoved my hands in my pockets as my heart withered. I stared at the creaking slide, where Hannah herself had once gone down. My hand rested on its cold surface, and my reflection looked balefully back at me in the silver metal. I looked like I needed a lot of sleep.

In my pocket, my fingers played with the now empty Walkman that I had stolen from Tony a while ago to listen to the tapes. My thumb rolled over the volume dial for no reason; it wasn't on, and there was nothing to listen to anyway. I breathed a deep sigh, hoping to cast off the half-healing hole Hannah had blasted through my heart with her death.

The tapes had helped me in some way. Before, her death had been a mystery. It was so sudden and unexpected, and left everyone reeling backwards in shock.

Especially me.

But now, the story of her death was concluded. I didn't have to beat myself up trying to figure out what went wrong. It was all there, in those tapes. I didn't need to wonder about her for the rest of my life. I stared blankly down at my worn out sneakers, fingers still fidgeting with the Walkman in my pocket. Why did you do this, Hannah? was no longer a question on my mind.

That was why my heart was slowly starting to heal. Knowing what Hannah had been going through instead of leaving behind a billion questions made accepting her death a little easier.

Now, that I know, I wished I could've been there for her. I regret not doing anything and sitting idly by while she took on his heavy burden by herself. The burden proved too much for her to bear, and she snapped. Look where it left us.

Maybe I could've stopped it, like Hannah had suggested. I wanted to help her, but she pushed me away. I should've tried harder.

I wondered how the others on the tapes took it. The other reasons why. Were they numb with shock and regret, like I was? Did they burst into tears? Did they call her family to apologize over and over? Or did they have no reaction at all?

Even now, several weeks after I had passed on the tapes, I still could barely believe what I had heard. Why were all the guys in my school jerks? Why were all the girls in my school backstabbing? The answers could evade me forever.

I sighed again, closing my eyes briefly as it began to rain gently. The soft pitter-patter of the droplets against the slide reminded me of Hannah's first kiss again. Once more, I asked myself pointlessly why, why couldn't have it been me? Why hadn't I been the one to slip on the lawn in front of her? Why hadn't I been the one to kiss her as she slid towards me?

I just wished...I could reverse to the beginning and start things differently.

I wished I could go back in time and tell myself what I knew now.

Oh God, I wished she was still here, still alive.

I sat on a nearby bench, gazing at the small, abandoned playground. Things were so different now. Hannah had opened my eyes, all of our eyes, but it was too late. It was always too late.

The sky was mostly clear tonight, even though it was raining a little. I craned my neck back so I could see the stars come out. The moon was bright and loomed over me, and I felt my tears mingle with the rain.

I was getting pretty soaked by now. I was sure my mom wouldn't be too pleased when I came home. But right now, I wanted to stay here, and wait.

Wait for what? I don't know.

Maybe I was waiting for forever to stop. Maybe I was waiting for nothing.

I sat there for a while, blinking tearfully up at the partially cloudy sky. I tried to say her name out loud, but my throat closed up. I swallowed, and tried again.

'Hannah,' I whispered at last.

The rain continued to patter on the slide. My heart continued to heal slowly. The moon continued to glow.

I knew she had left for good.

I knew she had gone to a place far better than this one. A place where I could never call her back from. But I needed to ask something in that moment.

'Why didn't you wait for me, when I waited for you?'


End file.
